Now I know that's a strong way to start a White Dwarf review... but honestly it's such a crying shame!
Right, so back to the text... White Dwarf March 2017 is out and about. We got our hands on advance copy, so here's a look under it's skirt, so to speak.
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This is where they really start to talk up Guilliman's role in reshaping the Imperium and how this will look to the future of 40K. What happens to the Inquisition and the High Lords of Terra? Well someone is going to lose their job and I doubt it's the guy in the armour with the pan-flattened face.
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Shadows Over Hammerhal is the latest in the expansions for Warhammer Quest. This one didn't set the world on fire, with miniatures from the existing range included in the set. A FAR cry from the almost hysteria the new Tzeentch line caused when it was launched in Silver Tower.
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The Stormcast Eternals have recently had a slew of great new additions to their force. They're actually looking like a real army now and Age of $igmar is all the better for it. In this section we get to see the new Vanguard-Palladors, the Lord Aquilor, and the awesome Vanguard-Raptors. This section gives a very breif look at them which is a bit of a shame really as they deserve more.
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Next week we get the pre-orders for these - the Deathwatch and Genestealer Upgrade Sprues. Both of these were hot property and the Genestealer one especially has been very popular with Imperial Guard conversions. They're also a good price and will be snapped up quick-smart!
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Now this is a happy sight for Heresy modellers across the world - finally we get the Tartars Terminators and MKIII Space Marines available outside the Prospero boxed set. These are excellent minis, but not cheap so expect to pay standard plastic Heresy prices for these. I'm a big BIG fan of MKIII for my War Hounds, but comparing them with the previous plastic Horus Heresy MKIV release, the MKIV are probably nicer.
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Blood Bowl is certainly steaming up the releases too, with the Reikland team and Ogre going on pre-order last weekend. This also shows the upcoming Reikland game mat as well. Also in this section (breaking away from the previous format of having all the WD Exclusive Rules together) are the special ball rules for Blood Bowl.
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Speaking of WD Exclusive Rules, next is Slambo and his rules for Warhammer Quest. This miniature definitely looks better in person, that's for sure!
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Now page 19 is supposed to the the Adeptus Titanicus page... well according to the index at the front, but alas - there is no content, just a splash filler page! But fear not, according to the teaser in the back, the April issue will have more info, unless it doesn't! Must have been a late change to miss this editorial check.
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Next up are some books; Dante, Dan Abnett's Titanicus, the Titan graphic novel gets a re-release, Space Marine Battles: Eye of Ezekiel and Horus Heresy: Binary Succession audio drama take a look at the High Lords of Terra in the time of the Horus Heresy.
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Forge World gets a hug and a kiss here with Horus Heresy Inferno (the much awaited tome) and also a look at the speeders of the Custodes.
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Do you like The Hobbit? Not the movies, they were a bit meh, but the game system from Games Workshop that they try to ignore but paid a whole lot of money for licensing so they have to maintain it. Weeeeeeeeeell, there's some new stuff and it's all Forge World so get excited and poor all at the same time. There's the Gundabad Bezerkers, the Gundabdad Ogres, the very pretty Lake House, the less pretty Iron Hills Dwarves on big angry goats (which are actually really cool looking), a Command section and some Spearmen.
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Finally in Planet Warhammer, it's the upcoming Bretonnian expansion for Total War: Warhammer.
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Spike Magazine is for fans of Blood Bowl. This month it looks at stadiums of the old world and also Play of the Month - which is not an Atomic Wedgie, but maybe it should be!
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Shadows Over Hammerhal takes a lengthy look behind the new expansion. I was surprised to see the amount of space given to this, but maybe they thought people would be excited...
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Now here's a fun new series - A Tale of Four Warlords ended last issue, so here's a brand new batch of contenders! This series is themed around 40k, the last one you may remember was all Age of $igmar! Maxime Borbeil takes Space Marines, James Ashbey takes Imperial Guard, Dan Harden goes Chaos Space Marines and Chris Bilewicz goes Eldar. This should be good!
Anyway, this section looks at the background to his return, Designers Notes and a breakdown of his parts... oooh-err!! Cypher and Grand Master Aldrick Voldus of the Grey Knights also get a look in - but be under no misapprehension, friend, Guilliman is front row centre. Is this why Matt Ward came back to GW?
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Simon Adams gets to show off his Guilliman diorama too! If you're after that sweet aquila behind The Gools, don't get too excited, it was made especially for the diorama.
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The Ultimate Guide to... Stormcast Eternals is good. Very good! Colour schemes, troop types, background - this is a really good primer and one GW should have put out years ago so we could have avoided MONTHS of golden armies! People, use your imagination and make your own colour schemes!
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Golden Demon: Europe is next with some amazing miniatures - this Eldar Phantom Titan by Damien Tomasina took the cake for me. The writing on it's shoulder looks like it's glowing!! It's bloody magic!
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Armies of the Imperium is a collection of beautiful colour plates of some amazing artwork around the various armies that defend and expand the Imperium. This Ultramarines by Paul Dainton for example I have never seen in colour before and is just incredible!
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The General's Almanack is an irregualr series on gaming in Age of $igmar - this month Guy Haley looks at simplicity AND complexity. This guy is a true Beardy, kids, so respect to him!
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Do you like armies? Well Army Showcase is about to blow your socks off. Dan Hyman's Celestial Vindicators, Jes Bickham's awesome Genestealer Cult, the one and only Duncan Rhodes & Martyn Lyon united for the Alliance of Erbor and Pete Foley's striking Orruk Ironjawz. Painting goals 101.
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What about Battle Reports? The Hallowguild Massacre tells the tale of what happens when Chaos steps through the Realmgate to unleash Hell on the people of Hallowgiuld. There's a metric shit-tonne of new scenery in this battle report. I don't think it can all be converted, but have a look.
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More White Dwarf Exclusive Rules, this time for Gangs of Commorragh - using Harlequins! Sweet!
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Sprues and Glue is actually multi-faceted here, it has the premise of how to build The Fallen, but is really mainly about how to build Space Marines and then adding some bitz from Dark Angel sprues... bit of a waste in our mind considering the topic and available parts.
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Paint Splatter is all about Guilliman and by extension Ultramarines characters. Three layers of highlights to that blue! There's nothing stand out to this section, apart from a cool way to paint fire.
This then goes into a great section on painting textures - from fur to skin to scales, bone and then a Masterclass on the same subject - just expanded for flesh washes, edge highlighting and layering. This later part is very very good and has some great tips.
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Parade Ground looks at some Khorne characters from a few different GW painters.
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Reader's Models (not pictured) includes a bevy of minis. Still better than mine!
++ Verdict++
I'd say if none of this grabbed you, then the issue isn't for you. It didn't grab me.
The advanced painting tips are excellent, as is the Stormcast primer and a few featured armies - but otherwise this is not one you HAVE to own, sadly!